Adventure

Panic. It robs you of joy. Fear paralyzing the steps you need to take forward. True we aren't sure where exactly the steps are going to land you, but this path has been drawn for you. You are the traveler that needs to grace this journey.

Your eyes are getting ready to take in amazing sights. You have been blessed to meet some amazing people on the other side of the world. Fear, panic, worry....they cannot bind you down. Love is racing around you, pushing you forward giving you strength.

When you ache from separation, love will run to you. Love is here. Love is there.

You cannot go anywhere that love does not reside. Follow love.

Can't Reach the Summit with Tangled Rigging

This season of my life is so violently shifting that I am aching to find a sturdy landing. God you are my only source of comfort. I cannot continue seeking others to help the way only you can. To love me only the way you can. I have this mountain on the horizon. I cannot understand what it will look like nor, do I truly feel prepared for this climb to the summit. I am seeing though that you can't reach the summit with tangled rigging.

The only person who can grasp my feelings is in Ohio right now. She is facing the same doubt and anxious yet excited wonder about this adventure. Please be with her now as well! I pray she is at peace and is having a smooth time of transition after school. We are the two you have called to GO. The ones around me are supportive yet they can't help fully. Its frustrating to them I know. But God help me to be slow to speak. I want to continue building relationships not tearing them down like a wrecking ball. With one swift swoop it shatters, rubble left in heaps.

Help me restore ruins before I leave. You have given me such hope. Help me to be a good example of your joy this week. Let me more than ever let go of things. To release blame I've been clinching. To forgive. I am worn, help me to find rest. I pray for strength as I finish out work this next week and finish up the GROWING list of "to do's".

Thank you for being such a BIG God that you care about my measly problems.

I love you!!!

Wake up call from Elephant Bank

Rolling down the Aden Blacktop to pick up my elephant bank from the church.

And that's when it hit me. I'm leaving this country road, well this country altogether. It began to ache. Now I knew that this was inevitable, I would surely come to grips with the fact that I would be setting out and leaving things behind here. Little did I know this would come the evening before my Benefit Dinner.

I was riding with Ryne (my boyfriend) and I sat in silence; memories & things of the past continued to flow in my mind. I honestly couldn't wait to rush in our church doors. Upon finally fighting tears long enough to unlock the glass doors, I continued through the sanctuary where Ryne found me praying, sobbing.

I would like to say this is all because of you here that I will miss so deeply, that I cannot stand the thought of us being apart for several months. Indeed I will miss you, but I hurt for the people who have not heard. We are so caught up with "churchiness" and being "outwardly God fearing, God seeking" that too many Christians are losing the real sight of what we need to be doing. There are people who are going to Hell. The worship false gods or themselves. America has no more stars now we call them idols. I want to help rescue the world. I feel so humble to be allowed to have God grant me this gift of a lifetime.

There are SO many people over there, God has to help guide me and our team because I want him to be glorified through everything. I never want to be seen in all of this. Week, after week, after week...God is blowing my mind. Here is a tidbit of what he has provided in the last few weeks:


Prior to the benefit dinner I was shy nearly $800 for what I owed the mission organization. My church is full of amazing people, they truly are my church FAMILY. They hosted a pork chop dinner & we had a great evening of silent and live auction events throughout the night. After we cleaned up we were able to count the funds raised and I praise God and he took my breath away as he provided over $4000.00! I am crying again just thanking Him for his massive blessings on this trip! After the 5K he provided another $1000.00! I am now in a position to where I can help bless other people, there are a few in my life who are hurting and need Gods love handed out, I joyfully want to give and help others the way that God has spoken to the hearts of so many around here. The remainder of the funds I am accumulating are going to be able to get me through the next phase of this journey: preperation.

The fundraising events are over now, and here comes the fun part...the countdown to departure. Its coming quickly and I have to shift my mindset to immunizations, sandals, backpacks, and first aid items. I am so thankful for the generous support because now these items will be able to be purchased without any worry at all. God you are so mighty!

Thank you also for providing me the man that you have. I thank you so much for Ryne and for the anchor he is. This will be difficult being separated for such an amount as we will, but your plan is perfect. I was at the point to where I didn't need anyone right now. I was content and wanted to serve you alone, but you had another plan. I can't believe that someone is willing to serve you beside me from the other side of the globe. Strengthen our love for you as we seek your guidance in this uncharted water.

God strengthen our family, we are being tossed about right now. You are right here, help us to remember that through the heartache of the summer. This may not have been the way we pictured things to pan out. But you should be magnified in my life, help me to live that way continuously. Help the hearts of people in South Asia be broken for you.

Guide Suheily (my missions partner) and I in love and understanding. Strengthen us beyond what we think we can stand. Mold us now. Stretch us. Bind our hearts to the people we get to serve beside and too. I thank you so much for her Lord! We are trusting in you. And its the best place to be leaning!

You are worthy of ALL praise, thank you is too small a word, so let me thank you with my life, always!

Missions total: $8,116.33 ...............GOD IS AWESOME!

Candyland Souls

Awe.

Such a small word to capture the depiction of such an overwhelming emotion. How can that even encapsulate the gravity of my reality. For I am in a permanent state of awe. To be blessed daily, ever daily is something to make you return to your astonished disposition. To hear the beautiful words of someone speak, "I'm praying for you. We're praying for you." 

Why then do we wait until an event arises to lift others up? Do we not have daily issues? Maybe we have friends who are fighting such a personal battle around them that they are being consumed with anger and hopelessness; yet they remain a stoic pillar on the outside. You smile and wave, they return the gesture. I am sending this message perhaps out to three people that are reading this to take arms and PRAY. This is an emergency.

You think not? There are people our neighbors, friends, our families who are hurting. These aren't just Candyland figurines to move around a game board, these are souls. Souls seeking. Souls aching. Souls stabbed but the mistakes they have made. Regrets, longings, what-ifs and how comes? Perhaps if only, Why.........WHY? 

I am not a scholar or a doctor. Not royalty or a celeb. But I have the answer those souls are seeking. They need Christ. We must show love. Christ didn't come for us to live a life that reflects how empty and meaningless this world is. We have a HOPE! 

God love you and the rest of the world, He created you! He created you to spend life enticed in his goodness.  He wanted us to be with him. But we ALL have sinned against God, we have all screwed up. The only way that we could be forgiven is by having something atone or replace our sins. A sacrifice. Nothing we could offer could be enough. Jesus gave his life being your enough. He is more than enough. He died on two wooden beams that made a cross. They nailed him to that cross, in my place....in your place. 3 days later though He rose from the dead. Catch that. He is ALIVE! We are merely asked to believe in Him and give our lives to Him. He gave you his life......why are you clinching yours?

I am in awe. Jesus did that. HE is my purpose. Without Him I would be nothing. Without His life I would be dead. We have the privilege to speak to our creator in prayer...

If you want to play Candyland move over. Your turn is done. There are souls thirsty for life, a Heavenly Father. If you need anything taken to God in prayer, please ask me. I consider it an honor to speak with my Lord on your behalf. I can't judge you, trust me. This broken vessel pieced together to form Kathy is full of shame, regret and chips of falling. But Christ is always there to pick us up. He is forgiving. He wants to hear from you. 

Pray.

He & HIM

You see me and yet look straight through me.
Never knowing my thoughts, truly
I cannot grasp the plans for my life
But I am accepting that they may be without you.

In the end that would be okay
Not a meaningless existence
My purpose is not defined by us
My purpose is defined by HIM

Who is HIM you ask?
Exactly. You cannot have me and not know HIM
He died for me
Without friend requesting me or poking me
I may not have him on facebook
But you'll find my name in HIS book

I am a filthy brokenness that has been saved
by nothing short of amazing  grace
I am the wretch the song refers to.

So Mr. Perfect you aren't my purpose
and you can't steal my heart.
It isn't mine to give.
I cannot live for you and seek Christ.
I cannot seek you and live for Christ.

So goodbye Charming,
I will have blessings in my life
Even if they are without you.

My Monopoly Mind

Sitting on Go waiting for the dice to stop their toppling. Haven't collected any properties, money, or drawn my chance card. I know my turn is coming, soon. I mean we all grown up knowing you should not eat dirt, don't hit your brother and take turns right? Well my turn has to be coming!!

I've been oh so focused on where my roll will take me & how many spaces away I will have to jump, that I haven't truly thought about how amazing this state of waiting is. I will never again, NOT know where it is I will be headed. Never again will I have literally an entire world of possibilities to dream about. I have a pause while others are drawing and rolling, for when things get in motion, there is no stop. No pause. No ignorance.

So I am going to breathe, enjoy the gift of wonder. I think we take for granted how awesome wonder is. Think a second, when is the last time you anxiously awaited hearing something good? Looked forward to the possibility that "Today could be the day!" Well my weeks have been littered with wonder for the last month and a half. I take that back, honestly I've been awaiting this news since November, but knowing that "Today could be the day!..."since the start of last month.

So even though I haven't the slightest idea where I will end this year, I am thrilled that I started it with the people in my life that I have & that I know will always be there... (rawr ;) No, I can't make the promise that I will stop checking my email whenever the thought crosses my mind, but I will try to move my thimble when its my turn, and not eat dirt.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  -Jeremiah 29:11

Candy Hearts & Grass Stains

We chase it. We feel that our lives are incomplete without it. So they create a month to remind us of it, no, no, not Black History month or rodents checking out their shadows...To most February is filled with spending time with your sweetheart, and lets face it a time for girls to expect flowers and chocolate.

LOVE.

What makes us crave it so terribly? We watch all these movies and hear fairy tales from that moment we make it our quest to seek out our Prince Charming (well us girls look for him that is).  He will be brave, sensitive, understanding, love to listen to our problems, and cherish us every single day. False. This man is stuck in between pages 15 & 16 of Cinderella, and we need to just put him on the shelf.

I am looking forward to the day when I find my Prince, who leaves his dirty socks on the floor, who does those tiny things that irritate me, and someone who is real. I don't want a 2D picture of a hero riding a steed. A nice man in an old Buick would be fine (Buick can be replaced with any make haha)

So yeah another Valentine's alone, but this is the way I've been looking at it here lately. God's love for me is so far beyond anything that a regular guy can begin to show me. I was reading the opening of Hosea earlier this week for our upcoming sunday school lesson, and I was shown that God has this OUTRAGEOUS LOVE for us! C'mon!!! REALLY?! To him I am beautiful, to him I am loved.

I really had no idea where this was going when I began, but oh well, do I ever really know where I'm headed these days? Why should a blog differ.

I guess I will just spend the month of Feb praying for my husband, I'm not sure who you are, where you are at right now, or if you are even thinking about your amazing future wife (wink, wink haha) but I am thinking of you. For right now we are apart because its not our time. We aren't who each other needs yet. I'll keep trying to be a better person for you, I wish I could give you the world but I'm broke, I would like to always be who you deserve, but I am a sinner, imperfect with every letter of the word. God made you for me, whoever you are. I'm trying to save up some of my laughter for when I meet you...because I know that you will crack me up!

I hope that you're guarding your heart, and seeking God's plan (we will find each other quicker that way ha-ha) A very wise friend once told me that finding the love of your life should be like playing in the outfield. Both of you are so focused on what you are suppose to be doing, that when they hit the ball (the ball is God in this scenario) you are captivated by getting to the ball despite what ever holes in the grass, mud or fences barricading your path. Both of you have your complete attention towards Him that one day you just completely smack into each other. Unaware of the gift you just collided into!

I will smack into you someday, until then, I'm not sitting on the bench waiting!

P.S. When you do find me, I like tulips ;)

What if I'm the Holdup?!?!

So for quite awhile I was thinking that the guy that I am head over heels for is just not ready to be in a relationship with me yet...It's just not the right time...he has other things going on right now that are keeping us apart. BUT tonight while talking to a dear dear friend...I realized that the problem is more than likely myself!!

How on earth am I to hold this man responsible when I know good and well that my act is far from together. God is probably been trying to get this through my head but I have been too stubborn to hear it! How foolish. I need to try and get my act together and figure out what I want out of life, and what plans I might have down the road before even beginning to lay blame on Mr. Wonderful. Because think about it, if he is already such and amazing man for me as he is now...is he saying to himself well she is Miss Amazing...if I was him that would be a quick no. I am so imperfect and slathered with mistakes and faults (wow that's an unflattering way of saying it ha-ha).

I am just so very thankful for the friends that have been put in my life, and the love and support they give me daily. I am so richly blessed with friends and awesome family that I have no reason to be down. Whether a date ever comes out of this or not, I will have his friendship and all of our laughs together, and that has made my life all the more worth living. I wouldn't trade a second of it!

Leaving Home to Go Home

So I am suppose to be finishing up my notes for the youth event Ignition, that starts tomorrow and into Friday. But there is definitely a problem, my mind is anywhere but there.

This is my last night at Lake Sallateeksa. My home for 6 months is now going to be my former home. We had a great time getting Mexican food in Nashville for my "final supper" but it truly hasn't hit me yet. It wasn't that long ago that I returned to this special place after the summer was over to be a semester missionary. How can it be ending already?

Somehow God has granted me a peace through all of this. I know I am suppose to move back home to Bluford, once again into my swirling world of unanswered questions. Pinckneyville has become my safe area, my comfort. I have to continue stretching myself and seeking new doors that God is presenting me with.

So now my heart is breaking. Because just like when I began this adventure, I had to leave the people that I loved to come here. Don't get me wrong I am thrilled to be heading back to my church family and amazing family, but my "extended family" will be here working at camp. So really I shouldn't be sad, I should feel blessed that for a time, God gave me my dream job, doing graphic design while serving and doing camp ministry. I have huge amount of growing yet to do, but I am leaving here a changed person.

I would always tell people that Lake Sallateeska was my favorite place in the world, and how amazing it would be to live there. I got to actually do that! And the crazy part is, when people ask me where my favorite place in the world is, I will still say Lake Sallateeska but I will be able to tell story after story of how I DID get to live there, and the awesome people who still do <3

"After saying goodbye to each other, we went aboard the ship, and they returned home." Acts 21:6

22 Days...

22 days til my Sallateeska adventure comes to a close. 

22 days until I have to leave the place I now call home.

Why did the months roll by as if they were just minutes?

Trying to explain to a 4 year old why Bluford is where I must return.

He looks at me and says, "But Kaffy...you don't want to play with me anymore?"

His honesty in his world can't understand the length of time we are granted.

That its ending. Almost finished.

No to him it is a unwelcome change an unnecessary hurt.

I tell him, "You know how I leave and then come back every weekend?"

His head nods, but you can see his eyes still searching.

"Well its going to be like that, but it will be longer until I come to visit."

Finally the smile finds his face and that cowboy giggle begins.

"Ohhhh!! heheh!" he exclaims, "I have sumthin for you to take!"

Catapulting off of the couch he rides his toy horse to the cove of his treasures...

...the toy box across the room.

Dig, toss, rustling, as he hums to himself.

Victory! His search is done, and at last brings the precious items.

2 Nerf dart guns.

I ask, "what are these for Jackson?"

"Kafee they are to shoot the bad guys, then you can come back and play!"

22 days doesn't seem quite enough

But its more than I deserve

So if I seem distant between now and then 

Its just because I'm thinking of how many bad guys I have to shoot, 

Until I come back to my new home again.

Breathing comes in pairs, one begins and one's goodbye

This has by far been one of the most memorable times in my life. Change is something that is always swirling and surrounding us. Over the course of the last few weeks I have been closely connected to 3 major life events in unrelated relationships. A death, a wedding, & a birth. 

Seeing love that lasts after death is one of the truly beautiful things in our world. For people to have been married so many years to each other and lose your best friend is something I know only God can give you the strength to continue through. I continue to lift that very dear family up, as this will be, no question, a winding road.

I was honored to be apart of  a wedding and stand up as my forever friend Jessica said "I do" to the man that God created for her! Seeing the love they have for each other and their hope to follow God and honor him throughout their marriage is beautiful!

Yesterday though, something that I have been so long waiting, the birth of Philip and Stephanie's (the camp manager and his wife) son. I am so very thankful that the Lord placed me here at camp when he did! I was able to relieve their stress by helping cover the group that was coming and I thank God that he allowed me to be used completely these past 2 days! Alistair Caleb Hall born November 29, 2010 is the definition of a miracle! Not that there were any outstanding complications or scares, but that he was born. Living, breathing, drooling, beautiful, tiny person!

How often do I look and see all the problems instead of the joys? Focusing on aches and tired despair than being thankful to be healthy. Alive. Breath. Breathing comes in pairs, one begins and one's goodbye. Yes 3 major life events spread among the people I love is something that I will treasure for the remainder of my days! 

The inbetween parts is often where we lose faith and see cracks in our life. Such as saying goodbye when friends move. When you move. Change. Always swirling and surrounding us. But if we are to count ourselves truly blessed, change must be what happens IN us.

Purpose...or shipwrecked?

 Purpose. A voice, do I even have one? So many times I seek and cry out hoping to have the strength of a lion. a ROAR. But more times than not I whimper a mute and meek squeak.

Desire to be used by God. my purpose. This week I have slid, no longer believing that I can do this alone; seeing my true vulnerability in my temptations. This darkness i cannot shake consumes my thoughts and then mirrors actions. How can I be a true woman of God when I myself cannot seem to stand up against my own temptations.

I haven't yet searched my prayers for your will in my life for the start of 2011 with all fervor and passion I should. When people look at me I fear they always see the front I put up. I facade...my defense hidden beneath my jovial laughter. Why must I continue to search everything BUT you God?

Running running running endless motion, never hesitating to seek the pause. My purpose is to display your endless ocean of grace with a cynical and hurting people. The world.

Solomon in his wisdom and riches tested and tried everything under the sun seeking his purpose and in the end found it to be meaningless. I cannot let go of these hauntings of past slip ups.

I feel like Peter. Wanting to walk to Christ amidst the crashing rolling tide. Pleased with my progress I contunue wanting to survey what "I" have accomplished soley with my own merit. With a glance down I take my eyes off of Jesus and begin to drown.

Thank God my purpose is NOT to drown! It's to walk on water (God's will for me) while trusting in Christ to lead me and light my sinful path.


 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." 1 Peter 1:14-16

Adventure is Out There! But wait...adventure is here too.

Ahh the end of another day leaves me tired. You know that feeling when you have given your all that day and you find the cozy recliner to curl up in? That is what I'm experiencing right now. My thoughts seemed to be filled with topics and scripture for my bible study on Thursday night that I lead. And the Human Video Crew since we have a performance tomorrow evening. Both of these events are leading to metitation and prayer times for me.

For some reason this week I have the strong urge to need to be alone. Peaceful quiet is what I've been missing in my routine. But like a whisp of a shooting star it found me tonight! Just able to sit and contemplate what the rest of the day, weeks, and months to come hold is relaxing.

A friend of mine recently described his need for passion and adventure in his life. He is longing for something more than what he seems to be falling towards. Admirable I would say, but what is is to have true adventure? For adventure without purpose could be viewed as an aimless wandering, and drifting of sorts. But to the thrill seeker, adventure is a beautiful journey that unfolds with every step.

This got me to, you guessed it...thinking about my path. Its been nearly 20 days back at Lake Sallateeska. This field is something that I felt I had tackled, something that seemed predictable. "I had been here, I know the ropes" I ignorantly assumed. This fall is already presenting new hurdles and causing me to stretch myself. Growing as a person is good, wouldn't you agree? But there are sometimes aches in the process. As an adventure seeker, sometimes its hard to remember that along the way you must be stretched and tried to follow where your compass will eventually direct you.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."  Acts 1:8

This verse has been my concentration this week, I am in "Judea" for a time...the place that is nearby but far enough that you are away from home. I am still able to head home to "Jerusalem" on the weekends and visit my mission field at home. I know the work that I can help with in these two places are important. But I am thinking, could I possibly travel to "Samaria", another part of North America? Or a much more distant place, "to the ends of the earth"? To most the last two call out the adventurous traveler in us all, but for this season of my life, God has called me to work with the people in "MY" Jerusalem & Judea.

So here I am...Pray. Go. Stay. Clothe. Feed. LOVE! This is where my joy comes from!!!

Dear Friend

Dear friend,

I know that you miss me, but please don't fell blue. I'm to busy to blog right now but I'm posting this just for you! So don't feel down-trodden, moppey or blahhhh, cause this is a letter to you from Moi! (pronounced: muah!)

p.s. there are you happy now? haha I will try and post next week, camp is still going awesome. I'm sure I will have more grand tales to tell!

Boasting About My Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Here I am once again on the breaking wave of a new chapter in my walk with Christ. I want to grow deeper, be used, stretched, and set apart. I'm so tired of settling for what is wrong. Seeking what is futile no longer becomes the goal. School, my career, and what my worries that consist of finding the right man, at surface value promise to be healthy-goal driven qualities. I try and solve the puzzle without the picture on the box. Plus if I did use my brain long enough the end result is that of a yard-sale purchase...a few pieces will always be missing.

"My grace is sufficient for you,  for my power is made perfect in weakness"   I pray that the next few months will be filled with trying and relationship building opportunities as well as experiences. I thank God so much for placing me in a loving, and uplifting environment. For this season of my life you have chosen to bless me far beyond that of what I could fathom. The God who made the stars cares to know my desires and uses them for his plan of glorifying his kingdom. I don't deserve to be called your daughter, and yet you are my loving Father. 

It is something so spectacular to be wrapped in love. I want others to see and experience that too. Missionary to some people means that I have things all figured out. I am so in tuned with God that nothing can shake me. That is as far from the truth as you could place me. I am a sinner rescued from death, because I placed my faith in the one true solid truth this world has ever know and chosen to reject. I didn't become some superhero by following God. He gently lead me and I rebelled. I was like Jonah...I didn't plan this. But by realizing my weakness, God's power can be made perfect. 

The trial and mountain top moments that will arise in the next 4 months here at Sallateeska, are placed in my life for a purpose. I will pursue that purpose with reckless abandon of my fears and insecurities; Its going to be an awesome ride!

Villians to Aisle # 3

Superpowers... I mean who hasn't at one time or another wished for the ability to fly, invisibility, superspeed, or just being able to use their x-ray vision? I don't know which of those I would pick; but if I had to select a power it would be for me to be more honest with people.

I often think something, or feel something and choose to hold it inside, thinking that my opinions once they have left the safe chamber of my mind will just clutter the air that they are breathing and suffocate the listener. I know of course this is certainly false in ever sense of the thought. But here I sit, wishing I could change the world by conquering my own reservations and fears. I suppose that is my villian. Every good superhero has a evil counterpart, eternally battling the hero for world domination or just to watch the world burn.

Batman had the Joker, Superman had Lex Luthor, Captain Planet had Pollution (ha-ha);  & I have my fear. Now I'm not talking about white-knuckle, knee buckling, breath clinching, fear stricken panic attacks. More the unknown. I know this is where my faith has to step in. Not knowing what my life holds in the next week or 8 1/2 months from now scares me. I want to look though the telescope on the path ahead with positive adventure-loving bliss, but I have days where I feel like everyone else knows where they are headed. Their steps have purpose.

Watch people shopping. There are those with their lists, milk-check...eggs-check...shampoo-check. In and out, purpose found and task complete. But what do you do when you don't have a list anymore, when you are free to browse the store for as long as you want? No one to rush you, hey--you even have time to delight in the free samples! The store is so big it gets overwhelming. You want to ask an employee for help, but you don't know what to ask,  how can they help you with your selections when you yourself are unaware of the item you seek. So you keep circling the aisles, one by one.

I guess I'll keep circling until I find the sale that catches my eye. All the while praying for wisdom and guidence on how to defeat the villian constantly threatening to attack. Unfortunately we don't get a return policy on life, we roll around the sun so many times before we have to "check out"...hahah! (sorry, I thought that was clever hahah) Really think about it though...I know I do. I don't want to miss whatever big thing I'm suppose to be seeing. I don't want to miss my opportunity. I'm ready to check some things off my list. Kicking the villian's butt is at the top of my shopping list this week.

Eat. Pray. Love.

I'm sure most of you have at least seen a commercial about the new movie, Eat Pray Love, starring Julia Roberts. You know the movie with the preview about her eating gellato with a tiny spoon, and petting the trunk of an elephant. Yeah its all coming back to you now :) . A woman needing to find inner peace and happiness goes searching around the world for a year hoping to unlock the secrets of life that have so long eluded her.

Well we had trouble staying locked into "Liz" and her journey. We made it over halfway through the movie and received a text that my aunt may not make it through the night. Without hesitation, all of us girls, my mom, soon to be aunt (as of tomorrow), cousin and cousin in law left the theater and met all of the guys outside to head to the hospital. I didn't see the end of the movie, but I do know that there is so much around us wherever we are to have made a much better movie.

Eat. Pray. Love. Wow how truly groundbreaking is that concept. I celebrate the fact that  I get that opportunity daily. Here is how I got to experience that today...

Eat: Enjoyed eating with my uncle and his fiance along with my mom and cousins tonight at Pasta House in Mt. Vernon to celebrate the upcoming wedding tomorrow. After we had spent the day getting their home ready for the big event.

Pray: Surrounding a dying woman and brushing her hair back, praying for comfort, peace, healing, and understanding for the rest of us. Praying with her kids and praying that they will have the strength to tell their kids about how their grandma isn't suppose to make it much longer because the cancer is back. Praying and thanking God that I have the family and friends to surround me with.

Love: The center of my day was full of that! Gosh how very selfish do I become that it causes me to forget what love I have wrapped around me daily. Its absurd how ungrateful I've been! I have so many blessings I never want to take for granted the breif wisp of time I have on this Earth. Everyday is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't want to be laying in my hospital bed thinking, I should have Loved more.

I want my heart to wear out because I've cared too much, because I've laughed too much, and because I've cried with others too much. I want people who know me to see something greater in me, see God's love. I want that desire to help others just continue to stir and overflow into the channels that weave and mold my life. I want to always have room to Eat. Pray. & Love with more that I thought a person ever could.

"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another." 

1 John 3:11

When life gives you khaki...

So today was one of those..."well-hmmm-I-can't-seem-to-get-anything-remotely-to-kinda-sorta-inspire-me-to-create-or-design-so-ill-go-shopping-and-for-a-drive-moods"  Needless to say not going to be one of my most groundbreaking blogs, haha!

But yet here we are discussing the fact that today was just khaki. Nothing exciting, but it was there; today happened. It was Khaki. I know some of you are in this whirlwind of school, work, and life. I'm not claiming that my life isn't here, but I'm just on the starting blocks waiting for the gun to fire. Not knowing if I will be bursting forth for a sprint, or need to prepare for a marathon is an odd feeling.

So when life gives you Khaki, you must go on SAFARI! My bags are packed, now I'm just waiting for my Jeep to come around the next hut.

Tomorrow will not be Khaki, it will be Switchfoot and The Goo Goo Dolls in concert. Now I'm off to lay in my swing and gaze at the stars. Good Night Tuesday.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

One foot in sea and one on shore

Today was filled with sun, swim, and schmucks. My day was very difficult to say the least haha. It was nice to truly just enjoy the day with good friends and family and get a very nice sunburn! The evening was filled with seeing "Dinner for Schmucks" and coming home to a calm house.

Yeah so the title of this post doesn't exactly reflect the beginning of this...well just consider that tidbit a bonus :)

The truth is I've been floating through life recently surrounded with relationships changing their depth. To make it more clear to the few of you "reading my brain" I have long wanted different things with a certain friend. In my mind, this person is everything that I am looking for in a man, everything and then some. Now this isnt the rant of a smitten girl, blinded to the flaws and failures of this person, bruises, addictions, and shortcomings are indeed added into this match. I have one foot in sea and one on shore. I picture the adventure and rare love that so many live without floating in the sea; but drowning seems to unavoidable and most certain. One foot in sea and one on shore I will remain.

I (and very few of you) know who this person is. I put this person in the back of my mind for many years, never thinking that I could somehow be viewed as more that a friend. The buddy. Partner in Crime. Confidant. Well the current state of things makes me want to see the hope of what I've always hoped could be. But I don't want to force my hopes up, nor do I want to force my courage up enough to voice these thoughts. Partially the cause for my silence to him is because it sometimes is better to hope what could be then know what never will. Being the realist I am, I recognize that there are girls much prettier, funnier, more kind, and talanted that should fill the romantic role in his life.

This is not a "poor Kathy" sympathy trip, I am proud of the person I am. I know my flaws and try to correct them. I just long to find that person who accepts me for what I am and will eventually become the last eyes I see before I drift to sleep, and the first touch I fell when I'm fighting the coming morning.

Yes he is out there, perhaps. Perhaps not.

But I will continue sharing amazing times and memories with this man. The guy that makes me laugh, gets my humor, highlights my week when we can get together, could change the world with his hands tied behind his back & doesn't even know it. Happiness, is what I feel when we are together sharing fears, dreams, and plans we should make together.

I will hope. For that is what I have now. If he is the love that God wants to be with me for the rest of my life, he will find me through my doubts. For now this is my song :)

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Buckle Up

while at Lake Sallateeska!

Well once again the creeking of the school bus doors will be taking anxious students into schools for their fresh start of the academic year. Minivans have hauled college co-ed's valuables to tiny dorms, and pet hair infested carpeted apartments across the states. Learning, familar faces, friendships, roomates, allies. Soon the crisp fall air will sweep though pushing the humid summer days into nothing more than a memory.

These have all been constants in my life. Anyone who knows me understands that when it came to school I have always been a self-titled nerd. Class president, officer in every other student led organization, even the top of my class at Rend Lake College; some things just came along with fall. But this August my life is in a different state.

I, being the nerd, love back to school shopping and getting my text books on that first day of class. Flipping through the pages made me envision the wealth of knowledge that I was going to be able to acquire in the coming months. Challenging myself to acheive my highest personal best was something that I thrived on. So what is a girl to do after graduation, currently unemployed, and waiting on God's timing? Well besides writing this blog, I'm praying.

Yes, after this amazing summer at Lake Sallateeska, I have learned so much more about my passions, my desires and more importantly the desires that God has for my life. 10 weeks away from home made me actively seek His plan for my life. (I know some of you won't completely understand this, because you don't have a relationship with Jesus) But as far as my life and my plans go, I have missed the mark. By trying to step in and plan my course, I'm sure that I've already missed blessings. But by His grace and love for me I know that I am in the position to GO and share with others. I have been called to be a missionary. Whether this is to Mt. Everest or Mt. Vernon, IL...I am going to buckle up and enjoy this beautiful ride called life.

So here we are again explaining what my life is going to consist of. To the mockers, neigh-sayers, and hippocrites, I apologize that you haven't walked in my place, and seen the way God has moved in my life this summer. To fully understand what you call my "lack of a game plan" you need to trust that God is the author and provider in my life...not to mention the very best friend I've ever had. With him leading me I am going to be on a bigger adventure than I ever planned for myself!

Sure I'll be frustrated, impatient, & immature at times, but I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm waiting. This coming week should reveal a step in the next part of my journey and hopefully more of a peek at what is around the corner. I for one am going to stay tuned :)