Today was filled with sun, swim, and schmucks. My day was very difficult to say the least haha. It was nice to truly just enjoy the day with good friends and family and get a very nice sunburn! The evening was filled with seeing "Dinner for Schmucks" and coming home to a calm house.
Yeah so the title of this post doesn't exactly reflect the beginning of this...well just consider that tidbit a bonus :)
The truth is I've been floating through life recently surrounded with relationships changing their depth. To make it more clear to the few of you "reading my brain" I have long wanted different things with a certain friend. In my mind, this person is everything that I am looking for in a man, everything and then some. Now this isnt the rant of a smitten girl, blinded to the flaws and failures of this person, bruises, addictions, and shortcomings are indeed added into this match. I have one foot in sea and one on shore. I picture the adventure and rare love that so many live without floating in the sea; but drowning seems to unavoidable and most certain. One foot in sea and one on shore I will remain.
I (and very few of you) know who this person is. I put this person in the back of my mind for many years, never thinking that I could somehow be viewed as more that a friend. The buddy. Partner in Crime. Confidant. Well the current state of things makes me want to see the hope of what I've always hoped could be. But I don't want to force my hopes up, nor do I want to force my courage up enough to voice these thoughts. Partially the cause for my silence to him is because it sometimes is better to hope what could be then know what never will. Being the realist I am, I recognize that there are girls much prettier, funnier, more kind, and talanted that should fill the romantic role in his life.
This is not a "poor Kathy" sympathy trip, I am proud of the person I am. I know my flaws and try to correct them. I just long to find that person who accepts me for what I am and will eventually become the last eyes I see before I drift to sleep, and the first touch I fell when I'm fighting the coming morning.
Yes he is out there, perhaps. Perhaps not.
But I will continue sharing amazing times and memories with this man. The guy that makes me laugh, gets my humor, highlights my week when we can get together, could change the world with his hands tied behind his back & doesn't even know it. Happiness, is what I feel when we are together sharing fears, dreams, and plans we should make together.
I will hope. For that is what I have now. If he is the love that God wants to be with me for the rest of my life, he will find me through my doubts. For now this is my song :)
And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"
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