Villians to Aisle # 3

Superpowers... I mean who hasn't at one time or another wished for the ability to fly, invisibility, superspeed, or just being able to use their x-ray vision? I don't know which of those I would pick; but if I had to select a power it would be for me to be more honest with people.

I often think something, or feel something and choose to hold it inside, thinking that my opinions once they have left the safe chamber of my mind will just clutter the air that they are breathing and suffocate the listener. I know of course this is certainly false in ever sense of the thought. But here I sit, wishing I could change the world by conquering my own reservations and fears. I suppose that is my villian. Every good superhero has a evil counterpart, eternally battling the hero for world domination or just to watch the world burn.

Batman had the Joker, Superman had Lex Luthor, Captain Planet had Pollution (ha-ha);  & I have my fear. Now I'm not talking about white-knuckle, knee buckling, breath clinching, fear stricken panic attacks. More the unknown. I know this is where my faith has to step in. Not knowing what my life holds in the next week or 8 1/2 months from now scares me. I want to look though the telescope on the path ahead with positive adventure-loving bliss, but I have days where I feel like everyone else knows where they are headed. Their steps have purpose.

Watch people shopping. There are those with their lists, milk-check...eggs-check...shampoo-check. In and out, purpose found and task complete. But what do you do when you don't have a list anymore, when you are free to browse the store for as long as you want? No one to rush you, hey--you even have time to delight in the free samples! The store is so big it gets overwhelming. You want to ask an employee for help, but you don't know what to ask,  how can they help you with your selections when you yourself are unaware of the item you seek. So you keep circling the aisles, one by one.

I guess I'll keep circling until I find the sale that catches my eye. All the while praying for wisdom and guidence on how to defeat the villian constantly threatening to attack. Unfortunately we don't get a return policy on life, we roll around the sun so many times before we have to "check out"...hahah! (sorry, I thought that was clever hahah) Really think about it though...I know I do. I don't want to miss whatever big thing I'm suppose to be seeing. I don't want to miss my opportunity. I'm ready to check some things off my list. Kicking the villian's butt is at the top of my shopping list this week.

Eat. Pray. Love.

I'm sure most of you have at least seen a commercial about the new movie, Eat Pray Love, starring Julia Roberts. You know the movie with the preview about her eating gellato with a tiny spoon, and petting the trunk of an elephant. Yeah its all coming back to you now :) . A woman needing to find inner peace and happiness goes searching around the world for a year hoping to unlock the secrets of life that have so long eluded her.

Well we had trouble staying locked into "Liz" and her journey. We made it over halfway through the movie and received a text that my aunt may not make it through the night. Without hesitation, all of us girls, my mom, soon to be aunt (as of tomorrow), cousin and cousin in law left the theater and met all of the guys outside to head to the hospital. I didn't see the end of the movie, but I do know that there is so much around us wherever we are to have made a much better movie.

Eat. Pray. Love. Wow how truly groundbreaking is that concept. I celebrate the fact that  I get that opportunity daily. Here is how I got to experience that today...

Eat: Enjoyed eating with my uncle and his fiance along with my mom and cousins tonight at Pasta House in Mt. Vernon to celebrate the upcoming wedding tomorrow. After we had spent the day getting their home ready for the big event.

Pray: Surrounding a dying woman and brushing her hair back, praying for comfort, peace, healing, and understanding for the rest of us. Praying with her kids and praying that they will have the strength to tell their kids about how their grandma isn't suppose to make it much longer because the cancer is back. Praying and thanking God that I have the family and friends to surround me with.

Love: The center of my day was full of that! Gosh how very selfish do I become that it causes me to forget what love I have wrapped around me daily. Its absurd how ungrateful I've been! I have so many blessings I never want to take for granted the breif wisp of time I have on this Earth. Everyday is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't want to be laying in my hospital bed thinking, I should have Loved more.

I want my heart to wear out because I've cared too much, because I've laughed too much, and because I've cried with others too much. I want people who know me to see something greater in me, see God's love. I want that desire to help others just continue to stir and overflow into the channels that weave and mold my life. I want to always have room to Eat. Pray. & Love with more that I thought a person ever could.

"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another." 

1 John 3:11

When life gives you khaki...

So today was one of those..."well-hmmm-I-can't-seem-to-get-anything-remotely-to-kinda-sorta-inspire-me-to-create-or-design-so-ill-go-shopping-and-for-a-drive-moods"  Needless to say not going to be one of my most groundbreaking blogs, haha!

But yet here we are discussing the fact that today was just khaki. Nothing exciting, but it was there; today happened. It was Khaki. I know some of you are in this whirlwind of school, work, and life. I'm not claiming that my life isn't here, but I'm just on the starting blocks waiting for the gun to fire. Not knowing if I will be bursting forth for a sprint, or need to prepare for a marathon is an odd feeling.

So when life gives you Khaki, you must go on SAFARI! My bags are packed, now I'm just waiting for my Jeep to come around the next hut.

Tomorrow will not be Khaki, it will be Switchfoot and The Goo Goo Dolls in concert. Now I'm off to lay in my swing and gaze at the stars. Good Night Tuesday.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

One foot in sea and one on shore

Today was filled with sun, swim, and schmucks. My day was very difficult to say the least haha. It was nice to truly just enjoy the day with good friends and family and get a very nice sunburn! The evening was filled with seeing "Dinner for Schmucks" and coming home to a calm house.

Yeah so the title of this post doesn't exactly reflect the beginning of this...well just consider that tidbit a bonus :)

The truth is I've been floating through life recently surrounded with relationships changing their depth. To make it more clear to the few of you "reading my brain" I have long wanted different things with a certain friend. In my mind, this person is everything that I am looking for in a man, everything and then some. Now this isnt the rant of a smitten girl, blinded to the flaws and failures of this person, bruises, addictions, and shortcomings are indeed added into this match. I have one foot in sea and one on shore. I picture the adventure and rare love that so many live without floating in the sea; but drowning seems to unavoidable and most certain. One foot in sea and one on shore I will remain.

I (and very few of you) know who this person is. I put this person in the back of my mind for many years, never thinking that I could somehow be viewed as more that a friend. The buddy. Partner in Crime. Confidant. Well the current state of things makes me want to see the hope of what I've always hoped could be. But I don't want to force my hopes up, nor do I want to force my courage up enough to voice these thoughts. Partially the cause for my silence to him is because it sometimes is better to hope what could be then know what never will. Being the realist I am, I recognize that there are girls much prettier, funnier, more kind, and talanted that should fill the romantic role in his life.

This is not a "poor Kathy" sympathy trip, I am proud of the person I am. I know my flaws and try to correct them. I just long to find that person who accepts me for what I am and will eventually become the last eyes I see before I drift to sleep, and the first touch I fell when I'm fighting the coming morning.

Yes he is out there, perhaps. Perhaps not.

But I will continue sharing amazing times and memories with this man. The guy that makes me laugh, gets my humor, highlights my week when we can get together, could change the world with his hands tied behind his back & doesn't even know it. Happiness, is what I feel when we are together sharing fears, dreams, and plans we should make together.

I will hope. For that is what I have now. If he is the love that God wants to be with me for the rest of my life, he will find me through my doubts. For now this is my song :)

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Buckle Up

while at Lake Sallateeska!

Well once again the creeking of the school bus doors will be taking anxious students into schools for their fresh start of the academic year. Minivans have hauled college co-ed's valuables to tiny dorms, and pet hair infested carpeted apartments across the states. Learning, familar faces, friendships, roomates, allies. Soon the crisp fall air will sweep though pushing the humid summer days into nothing more than a memory.

These have all been constants in my life. Anyone who knows me understands that when it came to school I have always been a self-titled nerd. Class president, officer in every other student led organization, even the top of my class at Rend Lake College; some things just came along with fall. But this August my life is in a different state.

I, being the nerd, love back to school shopping and getting my text books on that first day of class. Flipping through the pages made me envision the wealth of knowledge that I was going to be able to acquire in the coming months. Challenging myself to acheive my highest personal best was something that I thrived on. So what is a girl to do after graduation, currently unemployed, and waiting on God's timing? Well besides writing this blog, I'm praying.

Yes, after this amazing summer at Lake Sallateeska, I have learned so much more about my passions, my desires and more importantly the desires that God has for my life. 10 weeks away from home made me actively seek His plan for my life. (I know some of you won't completely understand this, because you don't have a relationship with Jesus) But as far as my life and my plans go, I have missed the mark. By trying to step in and plan my course, I'm sure that I've already missed blessings. But by His grace and love for me I know that I am in the position to GO and share with others. I have been called to be a missionary. Whether this is to Mt. Everest or Mt. Vernon, IL...I am going to buckle up and enjoy this beautiful ride called life.

So here we are again explaining what my life is going to consist of. To the mockers, neigh-sayers, and hippocrites, I apologize that you haven't walked in my place, and seen the way God has moved in my life this summer. To fully understand what you call my "lack of a game plan" you need to trust that God is the author and provider in my life...not to mention the very best friend I've ever had. With him leading me I am going to be on a bigger adventure than I ever planned for myself!

Sure I'll be frustrated, impatient, & immature at times, but I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm waiting. This coming week should reveal a step in the next part of my journey and hopefully more of a peek at what is around the corner. I for one am going to stay tuned :)