Leaving Home to Go Home

So I am suppose to be finishing up my notes for the youth event Ignition, that starts tomorrow and into Friday. But there is definitely a problem, my mind is anywhere but there.

This is my last night at Lake Sallateeksa. My home for 6 months is now going to be my former home. We had a great time getting Mexican food in Nashville for my "final supper" but it truly hasn't hit me yet. It wasn't that long ago that I returned to this special place after the summer was over to be a semester missionary. How can it be ending already?

Somehow God has granted me a peace through all of this. I know I am suppose to move back home to Bluford, once again into my swirling world of unanswered questions. Pinckneyville has become my safe area, my comfort. I have to continue stretching myself and seeking new doors that God is presenting me with.

So now my heart is breaking. Because just like when I began this adventure, I had to leave the people that I loved to come here. Don't get me wrong I am thrilled to be heading back to my church family and amazing family, but my "extended family" will be here working at camp. So really I shouldn't be sad, I should feel blessed that for a time, God gave me my dream job, doing graphic design while serving and doing camp ministry. I have huge amount of growing yet to do, but I am leaving here a changed person.

I would always tell people that Lake Sallateeska was my favorite place in the world, and how amazing it would be to live there. I got to actually do that! And the crazy part is, when people ask me where my favorite place in the world is, I will still say Lake Sallateeska but I will be able to tell story after story of how I DID get to live there, and the awesome people who still do <3

"After saying goodbye to each other, we went aboard the ship, and they returned home." Acts 21:6

22 Days...

22 days til my Sallateeska adventure comes to a close. 

22 days until I have to leave the place I now call home.

Why did the months roll by as if they were just minutes?

Trying to explain to a 4 year old why Bluford is where I must return.

He looks at me and says, "But Kaffy...you don't want to play with me anymore?"

His honesty in his world can't understand the length of time we are granted.

That its ending. Almost finished.

No to him it is a unwelcome change an unnecessary hurt.

I tell him, "You know how I leave and then come back every weekend?"

His head nods, but you can see his eyes still searching.

"Well its going to be like that, but it will be longer until I come to visit."

Finally the smile finds his face and that cowboy giggle begins.

"Ohhhh!! heheh!" he exclaims, "I have sumthin for you to take!"

Catapulting off of the couch he rides his toy horse to the cove of his treasures...

...the toy box across the room.

Dig, toss, rustling, as he hums to himself.

Victory! His search is done, and at last brings the precious items.

2 Nerf dart guns.

I ask, "what are these for Jackson?"

"Kafee they are to shoot the bad guys, then you can come back and play!"

22 days doesn't seem quite enough

But its more than I deserve

So if I seem distant between now and then 

Its just because I'm thinking of how many bad guys I have to shoot, 

Until I come back to my new home again.

Breathing comes in pairs, one begins and one's goodbye

This has by far been one of the most memorable times in my life. Change is something that is always swirling and surrounding us. Over the course of the last few weeks I have been closely connected to 3 major life events in unrelated relationships. A death, a wedding, & a birth. 

Seeing love that lasts after death is one of the truly beautiful things in our world. For people to have been married so many years to each other and lose your best friend is something I know only God can give you the strength to continue through. I continue to lift that very dear family up, as this will be, no question, a winding road.

I was honored to be apart of  a wedding and stand up as my forever friend Jessica said "I do" to the man that God created for her! Seeing the love they have for each other and their hope to follow God and honor him throughout their marriage is beautiful!

Yesterday though, something that I have been so long waiting, the birth of Philip and Stephanie's (the camp manager and his wife) son. I am so very thankful that the Lord placed me here at camp when he did! I was able to relieve their stress by helping cover the group that was coming and I thank God that he allowed me to be used completely these past 2 days! Alistair Caleb Hall born November 29, 2010 is the definition of a miracle! Not that there were any outstanding complications or scares, but that he was born. Living, breathing, drooling, beautiful, tiny person!

How often do I look and see all the problems instead of the joys? Focusing on aches and tired despair than being thankful to be healthy. Alive. Breath. Breathing comes in pairs, one begins and one's goodbye. Yes 3 major life events spread among the people I love is something that I will treasure for the remainder of my days! 

The inbetween parts is often where we lose faith and see cracks in our life. Such as saying goodbye when friends move. When you move. Change. Always swirling and surrounding us. But if we are to count ourselves truly blessed, change must be what happens IN us.

Purpose...or shipwrecked?

 Purpose. A voice, do I even have one? So many times I seek and cry out hoping to have the strength of a lion. a ROAR. But more times than not I whimper a mute and meek squeak.

Desire to be used by God. my purpose. This week I have slid, no longer believing that I can do this alone; seeing my true vulnerability in my temptations. This darkness i cannot shake consumes my thoughts and then mirrors actions. How can I be a true woman of God when I myself cannot seem to stand up against my own temptations.

I haven't yet searched my prayers for your will in my life for the start of 2011 with all fervor and passion I should. When people look at me I fear they always see the front I put up. I facade...my defense hidden beneath my jovial laughter. Why must I continue to search everything BUT you God?

Running running running endless motion, never hesitating to seek the pause. My purpose is to display your endless ocean of grace with a cynical and hurting people. The world.

Solomon in his wisdom and riches tested and tried everything under the sun seeking his purpose and in the end found it to be meaningless. I cannot let go of these hauntings of past slip ups.

I feel like Peter. Wanting to walk to Christ amidst the crashing rolling tide. Pleased with my progress I contunue wanting to survey what "I" have accomplished soley with my own merit. With a glance down I take my eyes off of Jesus and begin to drown.

Thank God my purpose is NOT to drown! It's to walk on water (God's will for me) while trusting in Christ to lead me and light my sinful path.


 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." 1 Peter 1:14-16

Adventure is Out There! But wait...adventure is here too.

Ahh the end of another day leaves me tired. You know that feeling when you have given your all that day and you find the cozy recliner to curl up in? That is what I'm experiencing right now. My thoughts seemed to be filled with topics and scripture for my bible study on Thursday night that I lead. And the Human Video Crew since we have a performance tomorrow evening. Both of these events are leading to metitation and prayer times for me.

For some reason this week I have the strong urge to need to be alone. Peaceful quiet is what I've been missing in my routine. But like a whisp of a shooting star it found me tonight! Just able to sit and contemplate what the rest of the day, weeks, and months to come hold is relaxing.

A friend of mine recently described his need for passion and adventure in his life. He is longing for something more than what he seems to be falling towards. Admirable I would say, but what is is to have true adventure? For adventure without purpose could be viewed as an aimless wandering, and drifting of sorts. But to the thrill seeker, adventure is a beautiful journey that unfolds with every step.

This got me to, you guessed it...thinking about my path. Its been nearly 20 days back at Lake Sallateeska. This field is something that I felt I had tackled, something that seemed predictable. "I had been here, I know the ropes" I ignorantly assumed. This fall is already presenting new hurdles and causing me to stretch myself. Growing as a person is good, wouldn't you agree? But there are sometimes aches in the process. As an adventure seeker, sometimes its hard to remember that along the way you must be stretched and tried to follow where your compass will eventually direct you.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."  Acts 1:8

This verse has been my concentration this week, I am in "Judea" for a time...the place that is nearby but far enough that you are away from home. I am still able to head home to "Jerusalem" on the weekends and visit my mission field at home. I know the work that I can help with in these two places are important. But I am thinking, could I possibly travel to "Samaria", another part of North America? Or a much more distant place, "to the ends of the earth"? To most the last two call out the adventurous traveler in us all, but for this season of my life, God has called me to work with the people in "MY" Jerusalem & Judea.

So here I am...Pray. Go. Stay. Clothe. Feed. LOVE! This is where my joy comes from!!!

Dear Friend

Dear friend,

I know that you miss me, but please don't fell blue. I'm to busy to blog right now but I'm posting this just for you! So don't feel down-trodden, moppey or blahhhh, cause this is a letter to you from Moi! (pronounced: muah!)

p.s. there are you happy now? haha I will try and post next week, camp is still going awesome. I'm sure I will have more grand tales to tell!

Boasting About My Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Here I am once again on the breaking wave of a new chapter in my walk with Christ. I want to grow deeper, be used, stretched, and set apart. I'm so tired of settling for what is wrong. Seeking what is futile no longer becomes the goal. School, my career, and what my worries that consist of finding the right man, at surface value promise to be healthy-goal driven qualities. I try and solve the puzzle without the picture on the box. Plus if I did use my brain long enough the end result is that of a yard-sale purchase...a few pieces will always be missing.

"My grace is sufficient for you,  for my power is made perfect in weakness"   I pray that the next few months will be filled with trying and relationship building opportunities as well as experiences. I thank God so much for placing me in a loving, and uplifting environment. For this season of my life you have chosen to bless me far beyond that of what I could fathom. The God who made the stars cares to know my desires and uses them for his plan of glorifying his kingdom. I don't deserve to be called your daughter, and yet you are my loving Father. 

It is something so spectacular to be wrapped in love. I want others to see and experience that too. Missionary to some people means that I have things all figured out. I am so in tuned with God that nothing can shake me. That is as far from the truth as you could place me. I am a sinner rescued from death, because I placed my faith in the one true solid truth this world has ever know and chosen to reject. I didn't become some superhero by following God. He gently lead me and I rebelled. I was like Jonah...I didn't plan this. But by realizing my weakness, God's power can be made perfect. 

The trial and mountain top moments that will arise in the next 4 months here at Sallateeska, are placed in my life for a purpose. I will pursue that purpose with reckless abandon of my fears and insecurities; Its going to be an awesome ride!

Villians to Aisle # 3

Superpowers... I mean who hasn't at one time or another wished for the ability to fly, invisibility, superspeed, or just being able to use their x-ray vision? I don't know which of those I would pick; but if I had to select a power it would be for me to be more honest with people.

I often think something, or feel something and choose to hold it inside, thinking that my opinions once they have left the safe chamber of my mind will just clutter the air that they are breathing and suffocate the listener. I know of course this is certainly false in ever sense of the thought. But here I sit, wishing I could change the world by conquering my own reservations and fears. I suppose that is my villian. Every good superhero has a evil counterpart, eternally battling the hero for world domination or just to watch the world burn.

Batman had the Joker, Superman had Lex Luthor, Captain Planet had Pollution (ha-ha);  & I have my fear. Now I'm not talking about white-knuckle, knee buckling, breath clinching, fear stricken panic attacks. More the unknown. I know this is where my faith has to step in. Not knowing what my life holds in the next week or 8 1/2 months from now scares me. I want to look though the telescope on the path ahead with positive adventure-loving bliss, but I have days where I feel like everyone else knows where they are headed. Their steps have purpose.

Watch people shopping. There are those with their lists, milk-check...eggs-check...shampoo-check. In and out, purpose found and task complete. But what do you do when you don't have a list anymore, when you are free to browse the store for as long as you want? No one to rush you, hey--you even have time to delight in the free samples! The store is so big it gets overwhelming. You want to ask an employee for help, but you don't know what to ask,  how can they help you with your selections when you yourself are unaware of the item you seek. So you keep circling the aisles, one by one.

I guess I'll keep circling until I find the sale that catches my eye. All the while praying for wisdom and guidence on how to defeat the villian constantly threatening to attack. Unfortunately we don't get a return policy on life, we roll around the sun so many times before we have to "check out"...hahah! (sorry, I thought that was clever hahah) Really think about it though...I know I do. I don't want to miss whatever big thing I'm suppose to be seeing. I don't want to miss my opportunity. I'm ready to check some things off my list. Kicking the villian's butt is at the top of my shopping list this week.

Eat. Pray. Love.

I'm sure most of you have at least seen a commercial about the new movie, Eat Pray Love, starring Julia Roberts. You know the movie with the preview about her eating gellato with a tiny spoon, and petting the trunk of an elephant. Yeah its all coming back to you now :) . A woman needing to find inner peace and happiness goes searching around the world for a year hoping to unlock the secrets of life that have so long eluded her.

Well we had trouble staying locked into "Liz" and her journey. We made it over halfway through the movie and received a text that my aunt may not make it through the night. Without hesitation, all of us girls, my mom, soon to be aunt (as of tomorrow), cousin and cousin in law left the theater and met all of the guys outside to head to the hospital. I didn't see the end of the movie, but I do know that there is so much around us wherever we are to have made a much better movie.

Eat. Pray. Love. Wow how truly groundbreaking is that concept. I celebrate the fact that  I get that opportunity daily. Here is how I got to experience that today...

Eat: Enjoyed eating with my uncle and his fiance along with my mom and cousins tonight at Pasta House in Mt. Vernon to celebrate the upcoming wedding tomorrow. After we had spent the day getting their home ready for the big event.

Pray: Surrounding a dying woman and brushing her hair back, praying for comfort, peace, healing, and understanding for the rest of us. Praying with her kids and praying that they will have the strength to tell their kids about how their grandma isn't suppose to make it much longer because the cancer is back. Praying and thanking God that I have the family and friends to surround me with.

Love: The center of my day was full of that! Gosh how very selfish do I become that it causes me to forget what love I have wrapped around me daily. Its absurd how ungrateful I've been! I have so many blessings I never want to take for granted the breif wisp of time I have on this Earth. Everyday is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't want to be laying in my hospital bed thinking, I should have Loved more.

I want my heart to wear out because I've cared too much, because I've laughed too much, and because I've cried with others too much. I want people who know me to see something greater in me, see God's love. I want that desire to help others just continue to stir and overflow into the channels that weave and mold my life. I want to always have room to Eat. Pray. & Love with more that I thought a person ever could.

"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another." 

1 John 3:11

When life gives you khaki...

So today was one of those..."well-hmmm-I-can't-seem-to-get-anything-remotely-to-kinda-sorta-inspire-me-to-create-or-design-so-ill-go-shopping-and-for-a-drive-moods"  Needless to say not going to be one of my most groundbreaking blogs, haha!

But yet here we are discussing the fact that today was just khaki. Nothing exciting, but it was there; today happened. It was Khaki. I know some of you are in this whirlwind of school, work, and life. I'm not claiming that my life isn't here, but I'm just on the starting blocks waiting for the gun to fire. Not knowing if I will be bursting forth for a sprint, or need to prepare for a marathon is an odd feeling.

So when life gives you Khaki, you must go on SAFARI! My bags are packed, now I'm just waiting for my Jeep to come around the next hut.

Tomorrow will not be Khaki, it will be Switchfoot and The Goo Goo Dolls in concert. Now I'm off to lay in my swing and gaze at the stars. Good Night Tuesday.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

One foot in sea and one on shore

Today was filled with sun, swim, and schmucks. My day was very difficult to say the least haha. It was nice to truly just enjoy the day with good friends and family and get a very nice sunburn! The evening was filled with seeing "Dinner for Schmucks" and coming home to a calm house.

Yeah so the title of this post doesn't exactly reflect the beginning of this...well just consider that tidbit a bonus :)

The truth is I've been floating through life recently surrounded with relationships changing their depth. To make it more clear to the few of you "reading my brain" I have long wanted different things with a certain friend. In my mind, this person is everything that I am looking for in a man, everything and then some. Now this isnt the rant of a smitten girl, blinded to the flaws and failures of this person, bruises, addictions, and shortcomings are indeed added into this match. I have one foot in sea and one on shore. I picture the adventure and rare love that so many live without floating in the sea; but drowning seems to unavoidable and most certain. One foot in sea and one on shore I will remain.

I (and very few of you) know who this person is. I put this person in the back of my mind for many years, never thinking that I could somehow be viewed as more that a friend. The buddy. Partner in Crime. Confidant. Well the current state of things makes me want to see the hope of what I've always hoped could be. But I don't want to force my hopes up, nor do I want to force my courage up enough to voice these thoughts. Partially the cause for my silence to him is because it sometimes is better to hope what could be then know what never will. Being the realist I am, I recognize that there are girls much prettier, funnier, more kind, and talanted that should fill the romantic role in his life.

This is not a "poor Kathy" sympathy trip, I am proud of the person I am. I know my flaws and try to correct them. I just long to find that person who accepts me for what I am and will eventually become the last eyes I see before I drift to sleep, and the first touch I fell when I'm fighting the coming morning.

Yes he is out there, perhaps. Perhaps not.

But I will continue sharing amazing times and memories with this man. The guy that makes me laugh, gets my humor, highlights my week when we can get together, could change the world with his hands tied behind his back & doesn't even know it. Happiness, is what I feel when we are together sharing fears, dreams, and plans we should make together.

I will hope. For that is what I have now. If he is the love that God wants to be with me for the rest of my life, he will find me through my doubts. For now this is my song :)

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Buckle Up

while at Lake Sallateeska!

Well once again the creeking of the school bus doors will be taking anxious students into schools for their fresh start of the academic year. Minivans have hauled college co-ed's valuables to tiny dorms, and pet hair infested carpeted apartments across the states. Learning, familar faces, friendships, roomates, allies. Soon the crisp fall air will sweep though pushing the humid summer days into nothing more than a memory.

These have all been constants in my life. Anyone who knows me understands that when it came to school I have always been a self-titled nerd. Class president, officer in every other student led organization, even the top of my class at Rend Lake College; some things just came along with fall. But this August my life is in a different state.

I, being the nerd, love back to school shopping and getting my text books on that first day of class. Flipping through the pages made me envision the wealth of knowledge that I was going to be able to acquire in the coming months. Challenging myself to acheive my highest personal best was something that I thrived on. So what is a girl to do after graduation, currently unemployed, and waiting on God's timing? Well besides writing this blog, I'm praying.

Yes, after this amazing summer at Lake Sallateeska, I have learned so much more about my passions, my desires and more importantly the desires that God has for my life. 10 weeks away from home made me actively seek His plan for my life. (I know some of you won't completely understand this, because you don't have a relationship with Jesus) But as far as my life and my plans go, I have missed the mark. By trying to step in and plan my course, I'm sure that I've already missed blessings. But by His grace and love for me I know that I am in the position to GO and share with others. I have been called to be a missionary. Whether this is to Mt. Everest or Mt. Vernon, IL...I am going to buckle up and enjoy this beautiful ride called life.

So here we are again explaining what my life is going to consist of. To the mockers, neigh-sayers, and hippocrites, I apologize that you haven't walked in my place, and seen the way God has moved in my life this summer. To fully understand what you call my "lack of a game plan" you need to trust that God is the author and provider in my life...not to mention the very best friend I've ever had. With him leading me I am going to be on a bigger adventure than I ever planned for myself!

Sure I'll be frustrated, impatient, & immature at times, but I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm waiting. This coming week should reveal a step in the next part of my journey and hopefully more of a peek at what is around the corner. I for one am going to stay tuned :)

Go & Wait

The days are winding down to me leaving the driveway here in Bluford, for my new summer adventure. Lake Sallateeska is where God is leading me and where I get the amazing opportunity to serve as a Summer Student Missionary through the North American Mission Board. Over the course of this summer I hope to keep an updated blog going of some of the amazing things that God will be doing through me and around me at this fantastic camp.

Laundry, packing, and more laundry is on this weeks docket. My younger brother and I will be swapping rooms before I head out early Friday morning. His exact words when we were discussing me leaving were, "Yeah of course I'm going to miss you, but hey I getting YOUR ROOM!!" Ha-ha that is my brother, brutally honest and hilarious. I am so looking forward to the new chapter God is writing in my life, but so blessed by the ones that were already written. My family & my friends have all helped mold me into the 20 year old I am today.

My parents and I have talked about how after this week things will never truly be the same again, and I know they are so right. When I return home at the end of the summer, one of my younger cousins will be away starting his collegiate football career, my brother will be a senior in High School, one of my very awesome friends will have just settled into his new apartment at SIU-C and will no longer live just 4 minutes down the road from me. Yes, things are changing, but that is how we learn, grow, and live out the call that God has for our lives. There is a time to wait and a time to go.

Funny enough, I am experiencing both at the same time. I know it is my purpose this summer to go forward and share God's love with so many others. However, after the summer, I am waiting for a direction and the next steps of my life. I was given an answer last week on the college I had been planning to fulfill  my Bachelors Degree in Graphic Design, and now my life after summer is filled with questions I haven't received the answers to. So GO and WAIT is my theme for now, my anthem of sorts.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Psalm 37:4

  
-Kathy