Purpose...or shipwrecked?

 Purpose. A voice, do I even have one? So many times I seek and cry out hoping to have the strength of a lion. a ROAR. But more times than not I whimper a mute and meek squeak.

Desire to be used by God. my purpose. This week I have slid, no longer believing that I can do this alone; seeing my true vulnerability in my temptations. This darkness i cannot shake consumes my thoughts and then mirrors actions. How can I be a true woman of God when I myself cannot seem to stand up against my own temptations.

I haven't yet searched my prayers for your will in my life for the start of 2011 with all fervor and passion I should. When people look at me I fear they always see the front I put up. I facade...my defense hidden beneath my jovial laughter. Why must I continue to search everything BUT you God?

Running running running endless motion, never hesitating to seek the pause. My purpose is to display your endless ocean of grace with a cynical and hurting people. The world.

Solomon in his wisdom and riches tested and tried everything under the sun seeking his purpose and in the end found it to be meaningless. I cannot let go of these hauntings of past slip ups.

I feel like Peter. Wanting to walk to Christ amidst the crashing rolling tide. Pleased with my progress I contunue wanting to survey what "I" have accomplished soley with my own merit. With a glance down I take my eyes off of Jesus and begin to drown.

Thank God my purpose is NOT to drown! It's to walk on water (God's will for me) while trusting in Christ to lead me and light my sinful path.


 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." 1 Peter 1:14-16

Adventure is Out There! But wait...adventure is here too.

Ahh the end of another day leaves me tired. You know that feeling when you have given your all that day and you find the cozy recliner to curl up in? That is what I'm experiencing right now. My thoughts seemed to be filled with topics and scripture for my bible study on Thursday night that I lead. And the Human Video Crew since we have a performance tomorrow evening. Both of these events are leading to metitation and prayer times for me.

For some reason this week I have the strong urge to need to be alone. Peaceful quiet is what I've been missing in my routine. But like a whisp of a shooting star it found me tonight! Just able to sit and contemplate what the rest of the day, weeks, and months to come hold is relaxing.

A friend of mine recently described his need for passion and adventure in his life. He is longing for something more than what he seems to be falling towards. Admirable I would say, but what is is to have true adventure? For adventure without purpose could be viewed as an aimless wandering, and drifting of sorts. But to the thrill seeker, adventure is a beautiful journey that unfolds with every step.

This got me to, you guessed it...thinking about my path. Its been nearly 20 days back at Lake Sallateeska. This field is something that I felt I had tackled, something that seemed predictable. "I had been here, I know the ropes" I ignorantly assumed. This fall is already presenting new hurdles and causing me to stretch myself. Growing as a person is good, wouldn't you agree? But there are sometimes aches in the process. As an adventure seeker, sometimes its hard to remember that along the way you must be stretched and tried to follow where your compass will eventually direct you.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."  Acts 1:8

This verse has been my concentration this week, I am in "Judea" for a time...the place that is nearby but far enough that you are away from home. I am still able to head home to "Jerusalem" on the weekends and visit my mission field at home. I know the work that I can help with in these two places are important. But I am thinking, could I possibly travel to "Samaria", another part of North America? Or a much more distant place, "to the ends of the earth"? To most the last two call out the adventurous traveler in us all, but for this season of my life, God has called me to work with the people in "MY" Jerusalem & Judea.

So here I am...Pray. Go. Stay. Clothe. Feed. LOVE! This is where my joy comes from!!!

Dear Friend

Dear friend,

I know that you miss me, but please don't fell blue. I'm to busy to blog right now but I'm posting this just for you! So don't feel down-trodden, moppey or blahhhh, cause this is a letter to you from Moi! (pronounced: muah!)

p.s. there are you happy now? haha I will try and post next week, camp is still going awesome. I'm sure I will have more grand tales to tell!

Boasting About My Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Here I am once again on the breaking wave of a new chapter in my walk with Christ. I want to grow deeper, be used, stretched, and set apart. I'm so tired of settling for what is wrong. Seeking what is futile no longer becomes the goal. School, my career, and what my worries that consist of finding the right man, at surface value promise to be healthy-goal driven qualities. I try and solve the puzzle without the picture on the box. Plus if I did use my brain long enough the end result is that of a yard-sale purchase...a few pieces will always be missing.

"My grace is sufficient for you,  for my power is made perfect in weakness"   I pray that the next few months will be filled with trying and relationship building opportunities as well as experiences. I thank God so much for placing me in a loving, and uplifting environment. For this season of my life you have chosen to bless me far beyond that of what I could fathom. The God who made the stars cares to know my desires and uses them for his plan of glorifying his kingdom. I don't deserve to be called your daughter, and yet you are my loving Father. 

It is something so spectacular to be wrapped in love. I want others to see and experience that too. Missionary to some people means that I have things all figured out. I am so in tuned with God that nothing can shake me. That is as far from the truth as you could place me. I am a sinner rescued from death, because I placed my faith in the one true solid truth this world has ever know and chosen to reject. I didn't become some superhero by following God. He gently lead me and I rebelled. I was like Jonah...I didn't plan this. But by realizing my weakness, God's power can be made perfect. 

The trial and mountain top moments that will arise in the next 4 months here at Sallateeska, are placed in my life for a purpose. I will pursue that purpose with reckless abandon of my fears and insecurities; Its going to be an awesome ride!

Villians to Aisle # 3

Superpowers... I mean who hasn't at one time or another wished for the ability to fly, invisibility, superspeed, or just being able to use their x-ray vision? I don't know which of those I would pick; but if I had to select a power it would be for me to be more honest with people.

I often think something, or feel something and choose to hold it inside, thinking that my opinions once they have left the safe chamber of my mind will just clutter the air that they are breathing and suffocate the listener. I know of course this is certainly false in ever sense of the thought. But here I sit, wishing I could change the world by conquering my own reservations and fears. I suppose that is my villian. Every good superhero has a evil counterpart, eternally battling the hero for world domination or just to watch the world burn.

Batman had the Joker, Superman had Lex Luthor, Captain Planet had Pollution (ha-ha);  & I have my fear. Now I'm not talking about white-knuckle, knee buckling, breath clinching, fear stricken panic attacks. More the unknown. I know this is where my faith has to step in. Not knowing what my life holds in the next week or 8 1/2 months from now scares me. I want to look though the telescope on the path ahead with positive adventure-loving bliss, but I have days where I feel like everyone else knows where they are headed. Their steps have purpose.

Watch people shopping. There are those with their lists, milk-check...eggs-check...shampoo-check. In and out, purpose found and task complete. But what do you do when you don't have a list anymore, when you are free to browse the store for as long as you want? No one to rush you, hey--you even have time to delight in the free samples! The store is so big it gets overwhelming. You want to ask an employee for help, but you don't know what to ask,  how can they help you with your selections when you yourself are unaware of the item you seek. So you keep circling the aisles, one by one.

I guess I'll keep circling until I find the sale that catches my eye. All the while praying for wisdom and guidence on how to defeat the villian constantly threatening to attack. Unfortunately we don't get a return policy on life, we roll around the sun so many times before we have to "check out"...hahah! (sorry, I thought that was clever hahah) Really think about it though...I know I do. I don't want to miss whatever big thing I'm suppose to be seeing. I don't want to miss my opportunity. I'm ready to check some things off my list. Kicking the villian's butt is at the top of my shopping list this week.

Eat. Pray. Love.

I'm sure most of you have at least seen a commercial about the new movie, Eat Pray Love, starring Julia Roberts. You know the movie with the preview about her eating gellato with a tiny spoon, and petting the trunk of an elephant. Yeah its all coming back to you now :) . A woman needing to find inner peace and happiness goes searching around the world for a year hoping to unlock the secrets of life that have so long eluded her.

Well we had trouble staying locked into "Liz" and her journey. We made it over halfway through the movie and received a text that my aunt may not make it through the night. Without hesitation, all of us girls, my mom, soon to be aunt (as of tomorrow), cousin and cousin in law left the theater and met all of the guys outside to head to the hospital. I didn't see the end of the movie, but I do know that there is so much around us wherever we are to have made a much better movie.

Eat. Pray. Love. Wow how truly groundbreaking is that concept. I celebrate the fact that  I get that opportunity daily. Here is how I got to experience that today...

Eat: Enjoyed eating with my uncle and his fiance along with my mom and cousins tonight at Pasta House in Mt. Vernon to celebrate the upcoming wedding tomorrow. After we had spent the day getting their home ready for the big event.

Pray: Surrounding a dying woman and brushing her hair back, praying for comfort, peace, healing, and understanding for the rest of us. Praying with her kids and praying that they will have the strength to tell their kids about how their grandma isn't suppose to make it much longer because the cancer is back. Praying and thanking God that I have the family and friends to surround me with.

Love: The center of my day was full of that! Gosh how very selfish do I become that it causes me to forget what love I have wrapped around me daily. Its absurd how ungrateful I've been! I have so many blessings I never want to take for granted the breif wisp of time I have on this Earth. Everyday is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't want to be laying in my hospital bed thinking, I should have Loved more.

I want my heart to wear out because I've cared too much, because I've laughed too much, and because I've cried with others too much. I want people who know me to see something greater in me, see God's love. I want that desire to help others just continue to stir and overflow into the channels that weave and mold my life. I want to always have room to Eat. Pray. & Love with more that I thought a person ever could.

"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another." 

1 John 3:11

When life gives you khaki...

So today was one of those..."well-hmmm-I-can't-seem-to-get-anything-remotely-to-kinda-sorta-inspire-me-to-create-or-design-so-ill-go-shopping-and-for-a-drive-moods"  Needless to say not going to be one of my most groundbreaking blogs, haha!

But yet here we are discussing the fact that today was just khaki. Nothing exciting, but it was there; today happened. It was Khaki. I know some of you are in this whirlwind of school, work, and life. I'm not claiming that my life isn't here, but I'm just on the starting blocks waiting for the gun to fire. Not knowing if I will be bursting forth for a sprint, or need to prepare for a marathon is an odd feeling.

So when life gives you Khaki, you must go on SAFARI! My bags are packed, now I'm just waiting for my Jeep to come around the next hut.

Tomorrow will not be Khaki, it will be Switchfoot and The Goo Goo Dolls in concert. Now I'm off to lay in my swing and gaze at the stars. Good Night Tuesday.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12