Leaving Home to Go Home

So I am suppose to be finishing up my notes for the youth event Ignition, that starts tomorrow and into Friday. But there is definitely a problem, my mind is anywhere but there.

This is my last night at Lake Sallateeksa. My home for 6 months is now going to be my former home. We had a great time getting Mexican food in Nashville for my "final supper" but it truly hasn't hit me yet. It wasn't that long ago that I returned to this special place after the summer was over to be a semester missionary. How can it be ending already?

Somehow God has granted me a peace through all of this. I know I am suppose to move back home to Bluford, once again into my swirling world of unanswered questions. Pinckneyville has become my safe area, my comfort. I have to continue stretching myself and seeking new doors that God is presenting me with.

So now my heart is breaking. Because just like when I began this adventure, I had to leave the people that I loved to come here. Don't get me wrong I am thrilled to be heading back to my church family and amazing family, but my "extended family" will be here working at camp. So really I shouldn't be sad, I should feel blessed that for a time, God gave me my dream job, doing graphic design while serving and doing camp ministry. I have huge amount of growing yet to do, but I am leaving here a changed person.

I would always tell people that Lake Sallateeska was my favorite place in the world, and how amazing it would be to live there. I got to actually do that! And the crazy part is, when people ask me where my favorite place in the world is, I will still say Lake Sallateeska but I will be able to tell story after story of how I DID get to live there, and the awesome people who still do <3

"After saying goodbye to each other, we went aboard the ship, and they returned home." Acts 21:6

22 Days...

22 days til my Sallateeska adventure comes to a close. 

22 days until I have to leave the place I now call home.

Why did the months roll by as if they were just minutes?

Trying to explain to a 4 year old why Bluford is where I must return.

He looks at me and says, "But Kaffy...you don't want to play with me anymore?"

His honesty in his world can't understand the length of time we are granted.

That its ending. Almost finished.

No to him it is a unwelcome change an unnecessary hurt.

I tell him, "You know how I leave and then come back every weekend?"

His head nods, but you can see his eyes still searching.

"Well its going to be like that, but it will be longer until I come to visit."

Finally the smile finds his face and that cowboy giggle begins.

"Ohhhh!! heheh!" he exclaims, "I have sumthin for you to take!"

Catapulting off of the couch he rides his toy horse to the cove of his treasures...

...the toy box across the room.

Dig, toss, rustling, as he hums to himself.

Victory! His search is done, and at last brings the precious items.

2 Nerf dart guns.

I ask, "what are these for Jackson?"

"Kafee they are to shoot the bad guys, then you can come back and play!"

22 days doesn't seem quite enough

But its more than I deserve

So if I seem distant between now and then 

Its just because I'm thinking of how many bad guys I have to shoot, 

Until I come back to my new home again.

Breathing comes in pairs, one begins and one's goodbye

This has by far been one of the most memorable times in my life. Change is something that is always swirling and surrounding us. Over the course of the last few weeks I have been closely connected to 3 major life events in unrelated relationships. A death, a wedding, & a birth. 

Seeing love that lasts after death is one of the truly beautiful things in our world. For people to have been married so many years to each other and lose your best friend is something I know only God can give you the strength to continue through. I continue to lift that very dear family up, as this will be, no question, a winding road.

I was honored to be apart of  a wedding and stand up as my forever friend Jessica said "I do" to the man that God created for her! Seeing the love they have for each other and their hope to follow God and honor him throughout their marriage is beautiful!

Yesterday though, something that I have been so long waiting, the birth of Philip and Stephanie's (the camp manager and his wife) son. I am so very thankful that the Lord placed me here at camp when he did! I was able to relieve their stress by helping cover the group that was coming and I thank God that he allowed me to be used completely these past 2 days! Alistair Caleb Hall born November 29, 2010 is the definition of a miracle! Not that there were any outstanding complications or scares, but that he was born. Living, breathing, drooling, beautiful, tiny person!

How often do I look and see all the problems instead of the joys? Focusing on aches and tired despair than being thankful to be healthy. Alive. Breath. Breathing comes in pairs, one begins and one's goodbye. Yes 3 major life events spread among the people I love is something that I will treasure for the remainder of my days! 

The inbetween parts is often where we lose faith and see cracks in our life. Such as saying goodbye when friends move. When you move. Change. Always swirling and surrounding us. But if we are to count ourselves truly blessed, change must be what happens IN us.

Purpose...or shipwrecked?

 Purpose. A voice, do I even have one? So many times I seek and cry out hoping to have the strength of a lion. a ROAR. But more times than not I whimper a mute and meek squeak.

Desire to be used by God. my purpose. This week I have slid, no longer believing that I can do this alone; seeing my true vulnerability in my temptations. This darkness i cannot shake consumes my thoughts and then mirrors actions. How can I be a true woman of God when I myself cannot seem to stand up against my own temptations.

I haven't yet searched my prayers for your will in my life for the start of 2011 with all fervor and passion I should. When people look at me I fear they always see the front I put up. I facade...my defense hidden beneath my jovial laughter. Why must I continue to search everything BUT you God?

Running running running endless motion, never hesitating to seek the pause. My purpose is to display your endless ocean of grace with a cynical and hurting people. The world.

Solomon in his wisdom and riches tested and tried everything under the sun seeking his purpose and in the end found it to be meaningless. I cannot let go of these hauntings of past slip ups.

I feel like Peter. Wanting to walk to Christ amidst the crashing rolling tide. Pleased with my progress I contunue wanting to survey what "I" have accomplished soley with my own merit. With a glance down I take my eyes off of Jesus and begin to drown.

Thank God my purpose is NOT to drown! It's to walk on water (God's will for me) while trusting in Christ to lead me and light my sinful path.


 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." 1 Peter 1:14-16

Adventure is Out There! But wait...adventure is here too.

Ahh the end of another day leaves me tired. You know that feeling when you have given your all that day and you find the cozy recliner to curl up in? That is what I'm experiencing right now. My thoughts seemed to be filled with topics and scripture for my bible study on Thursday night that I lead. And the Human Video Crew since we have a performance tomorrow evening. Both of these events are leading to metitation and prayer times for me.

For some reason this week I have the strong urge to need to be alone. Peaceful quiet is what I've been missing in my routine. But like a whisp of a shooting star it found me tonight! Just able to sit and contemplate what the rest of the day, weeks, and months to come hold is relaxing.

A friend of mine recently described his need for passion and adventure in his life. He is longing for something more than what he seems to be falling towards. Admirable I would say, but what is is to have true adventure? For adventure without purpose could be viewed as an aimless wandering, and drifting of sorts. But to the thrill seeker, adventure is a beautiful journey that unfolds with every step.

This got me to, you guessed it...thinking about my path. Its been nearly 20 days back at Lake Sallateeska. This field is something that I felt I had tackled, something that seemed predictable. "I had been here, I know the ropes" I ignorantly assumed. This fall is already presenting new hurdles and causing me to stretch myself. Growing as a person is good, wouldn't you agree? But there are sometimes aches in the process. As an adventure seeker, sometimes its hard to remember that along the way you must be stretched and tried to follow where your compass will eventually direct you.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."  Acts 1:8

This verse has been my concentration this week, I am in "Judea" for a time...the place that is nearby but far enough that you are away from home. I am still able to head home to "Jerusalem" on the weekends and visit my mission field at home. I know the work that I can help with in these two places are important. But I am thinking, could I possibly travel to "Samaria", another part of North America? Or a much more distant place, "to the ends of the earth"? To most the last two call out the adventurous traveler in us all, but for this season of my life, God has called me to work with the people in "MY" Jerusalem & Judea.

So here I am...Pray. Go. Stay. Clothe. Feed. LOVE! This is where my joy comes from!!!

Dear Friend

Dear friend,

I know that you miss me, but please don't fell blue. I'm to busy to blog right now but I'm posting this just for you! So don't feel down-trodden, moppey or blahhhh, cause this is a letter to you from Moi! (pronounced: muah!)

p.s. there are you happy now? haha I will try and post next week, camp is still going awesome. I'm sure I will have more grand tales to tell!

Boasting About My Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Here I am once again on the breaking wave of a new chapter in my walk with Christ. I want to grow deeper, be used, stretched, and set apart. I'm so tired of settling for what is wrong. Seeking what is futile no longer becomes the goal. School, my career, and what my worries that consist of finding the right man, at surface value promise to be healthy-goal driven qualities. I try and solve the puzzle without the picture on the box. Plus if I did use my brain long enough the end result is that of a yard-sale purchase...a few pieces will always be missing.

"My grace is sufficient for you,  for my power is made perfect in weakness"   I pray that the next few months will be filled with trying and relationship building opportunities as well as experiences. I thank God so much for placing me in a loving, and uplifting environment. For this season of my life you have chosen to bless me far beyond that of what I could fathom. The God who made the stars cares to know my desires and uses them for his plan of glorifying his kingdom. I don't deserve to be called your daughter, and yet you are my loving Father. 

It is something so spectacular to be wrapped in love. I want others to see and experience that too. Missionary to some people means that I have things all figured out. I am so in tuned with God that nothing can shake me. That is as far from the truth as you could place me. I am a sinner rescued from death, because I placed my faith in the one true solid truth this world has ever know and chosen to reject. I didn't become some superhero by following God. He gently lead me and I rebelled. I was like Jonah...I didn't plan this. But by realizing my weakness, God's power can be made perfect. 

The trial and mountain top moments that will arise in the next 4 months here at Sallateeska, are placed in my life for a purpose. I will pursue that purpose with reckless abandon of my fears and insecurities; Its going to be an awesome ride!