He & HIM

You see me and yet look straight through me.
Never knowing my thoughts, truly
I cannot grasp the plans for my life
But I am accepting that they may be without you.

In the end that would be okay
Not a meaningless existence
My purpose is not defined by us
My purpose is defined by HIM

Who is HIM you ask?
Exactly. You cannot have me and not know HIM
He died for me
Without friend requesting me or poking me
I may not have him on facebook
But you'll find my name in HIS book

I am a filthy brokenness that has been saved
by nothing short of amazing  grace
I am the wretch the song refers to.

So Mr. Perfect you aren't my purpose
and you can't steal my heart.
It isn't mine to give.
I cannot live for you and seek Christ.
I cannot seek you and live for Christ.

So goodbye Charming,
I will have blessings in my life
Even if they are without you.

My Monopoly Mind

Sitting on Go waiting for the dice to stop their toppling. Haven't collected any properties, money, or drawn my chance card. I know my turn is coming, soon. I mean we all grown up knowing you should not eat dirt, don't hit your brother and take turns right? Well my turn has to be coming!!

I've been oh so focused on where my roll will take me & how many spaces away I will have to jump, that I haven't truly thought about how amazing this state of waiting is. I will never again, NOT know where it is I will be headed. Never again will I have literally an entire world of possibilities to dream about. I have a pause while others are drawing and rolling, for when things get in motion, there is no stop. No pause. No ignorance.

So I am going to breathe, enjoy the gift of wonder. I think we take for granted how awesome wonder is. Think a second, when is the last time you anxiously awaited hearing something good? Looked forward to the possibility that "Today could be the day!" Well my weeks have been littered with wonder for the last month and a half. I take that back, honestly I've been awaiting this news since November, but knowing that "Today could be the day!..."since the start of last month.

So even though I haven't the slightest idea where I will end this year, I am thrilled that I started it with the people in my life that I have & that I know will always be there... (rawr ;) No, I can't make the promise that I will stop checking my email whenever the thought crosses my mind, but I will try to move my thimble when its my turn, and not eat dirt.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  -Jeremiah 29:11

Candy Hearts & Grass Stains

We chase it. We feel that our lives are incomplete without it. So they create a month to remind us of it, no, no, not Black History month or rodents checking out their shadows...To most February is filled with spending time with your sweetheart, and lets face it a time for girls to expect flowers and chocolate.

LOVE.

What makes us crave it so terribly? We watch all these movies and hear fairy tales from that moment we make it our quest to seek out our Prince Charming (well us girls look for him that is).  He will be brave, sensitive, understanding, love to listen to our problems, and cherish us every single day. False. This man is stuck in between pages 15 & 16 of Cinderella, and we need to just put him on the shelf.

I am looking forward to the day when I find my Prince, who leaves his dirty socks on the floor, who does those tiny things that irritate me, and someone who is real. I don't want a 2D picture of a hero riding a steed. A nice man in an old Buick would be fine (Buick can be replaced with any make haha)

So yeah another Valentine's alone, but this is the way I've been looking at it here lately. God's love for me is so far beyond anything that a regular guy can begin to show me. I was reading the opening of Hosea earlier this week for our upcoming sunday school lesson, and I was shown that God has this OUTRAGEOUS LOVE for us! C'mon!!! REALLY?! To him I am beautiful, to him I am loved.

I really had no idea where this was going when I began, but oh well, do I ever really know where I'm headed these days? Why should a blog differ.

I guess I will just spend the month of Feb praying for my husband, I'm not sure who you are, where you are at right now, or if you are even thinking about your amazing future wife (wink, wink haha) but I am thinking of you. For right now we are apart because its not our time. We aren't who each other needs yet. I'll keep trying to be a better person for you, I wish I could give you the world but I'm broke, I would like to always be who you deserve, but I am a sinner, imperfect with every letter of the word. God made you for me, whoever you are. I'm trying to save up some of my laughter for when I meet you...because I know that you will crack me up!

I hope that you're guarding your heart, and seeking God's plan (we will find each other quicker that way ha-ha) A very wise friend once told me that finding the love of your life should be like playing in the outfield. Both of you are so focused on what you are suppose to be doing, that when they hit the ball (the ball is God in this scenario) you are captivated by getting to the ball despite what ever holes in the grass, mud or fences barricading your path. Both of you have your complete attention towards Him that one day you just completely smack into each other. Unaware of the gift you just collided into!

I will smack into you someday, until then, I'm not sitting on the bench waiting!

P.S. When you do find me, I like tulips ;)

What if I'm the Holdup?!?!

So for quite awhile I was thinking that the guy that I am head over heels for is just not ready to be in a relationship with me yet...It's just not the right time...he has other things going on right now that are keeping us apart. BUT tonight while talking to a dear dear friend...I realized that the problem is more than likely myself!!

How on earth am I to hold this man responsible when I know good and well that my act is far from together. God is probably been trying to get this through my head but I have been too stubborn to hear it! How foolish. I need to try and get my act together and figure out what I want out of life, and what plans I might have down the road before even beginning to lay blame on Mr. Wonderful. Because think about it, if he is already such and amazing man for me as he is now...is he saying to himself well she is Miss Amazing...if I was him that would be a quick no. I am so imperfect and slathered with mistakes and faults (wow that's an unflattering way of saying it ha-ha).

I am just so very thankful for the friends that have been put in my life, and the love and support they give me daily. I am so richly blessed with friends and awesome family that I have no reason to be down. Whether a date ever comes out of this or not, I will have his friendship and all of our laughs together, and that has made my life all the more worth living. I wouldn't trade a second of it!

Leaving Home to Go Home

So I am suppose to be finishing up my notes for the youth event Ignition, that starts tomorrow and into Friday. But there is definitely a problem, my mind is anywhere but there.

This is my last night at Lake Sallateeksa. My home for 6 months is now going to be my former home. We had a great time getting Mexican food in Nashville for my "final supper" but it truly hasn't hit me yet. It wasn't that long ago that I returned to this special place after the summer was over to be a semester missionary. How can it be ending already?

Somehow God has granted me a peace through all of this. I know I am suppose to move back home to Bluford, once again into my swirling world of unanswered questions. Pinckneyville has become my safe area, my comfort. I have to continue stretching myself and seeking new doors that God is presenting me with.

So now my heart is breaking. Because just like when I began this adventure, I had to leave the people that I loved to come here. Don't get me wrong I am thrilled to be heading back to my church family and amazing family, but my "extended family" will be here working at camp. So really I shouldn't be sad, I should feel blessed that for a time, God gave me my dream job, doing graphic design while serving and doing camp ministry. I have huge amount of growing yet to do, but I am leaving here a changed person.

I would always tell people that Lake Sallateeska was my favorite place in the world, and how amazing it would be to live there. I got to actually do that! And the crazy part is, when people ask me where my favorite place in the world is, I will still say Lake Sallateeska but I will be able to tell story after story of how I DID get to live there, and the awesome people who still do <3

"After saying goodbye to each other, we went aboard the ship, and they returned home." Acts 21:6

22 Days...

22 days til my Sallateeska adventure comes to a close. 

22 days until I have to leave the place I now call home.

Why did the months roll by as if they were just minutes?

Trying to explain to a 4 year old why Bluford is where I must return.

He looks at me and says, "But Kaffy...you don't want to play with me anymore?"

His honesty in his world can't understand the length of time we are granted.

That its ending. Almost finished.

No to him it is a unwelcome change an unnecessary hurt.

I tell him, "You know how I leave and then come back every weekend?"

His head nods, but you can see his eyes still searching.

"Well its going to be like that, but it will be longer until I come to visit."

Finally the smile finds his face and that cowboy giggle begins.

"Ohhhh!! heheh!" he exclaims, "I have sumthin for you to take!"

Catapulting off of the couch he rides his toy horse to the cove of his treasures...

...the toy box across the room.

Dig, toss, rustling, as he hums to himself.

Victory! His search is done, and at last brings the precious items.

2 Nerf dart guns.

I ask, "what are these for Jackson?"

"Kafee they are to shoot the bad guys, then you can come back and play!"

22 days doesn't seem quite enough

But its more than I deserve

So if I seem distant between now and then 

Its just because I'm thinking of how many bad guys I have to shoot, 

Until I come back to my new home again.

Breathing comes in pairs, one begins and one's goodbye

This has by far been one of the most memorable times in my life. Change is something that is always swirling and surrounding us. Over the course of the last few weeks I have been closely connected to 3 major life events in unrelated relationships. A death, a wedding, & a birth. 

Seeing love that lasts after death is one of the truly beautiful things in our world. For people to have been married so many years to each other and lose your best friend is something I know only God can give you the strength to continue through. I continue to lift that very dear family up, as this will be, no question, a winding road.

I was honored to be apart of  a wedding and stand up as my forever friend Jessica said "I do" to the man that God created for her! Seeing the love they have for each other and their hope to follow God and honor him throughout their marriage is beautiful!

Yesterday though, something that I have been so long waiting, the birth of Philip and Stephanie's (the camp manager and his wife) son. I am so very thankful that the Lord placed me here at camp when he did! I was able to relieve their stress by helping cover the group that was coming and I thank God that he allowed me to be used completely these past 2 days! Alistair Caleb Hall born November 29, 2010 is the definition of a miracle! Not that there were any outstanding complications or scares, but that he was born. Living, breathing, drooling, beautiful, tiny person!

How often do I look and see all the problems instead of the joys? Focusing on aches and tired despair than being thankful to be healthy. Alive. Breath. Breathing comes in pairs, one begins and one's goodbye. Yes 3 major life events spread among the people I love is something that I will treasure for the remainder of my days! 

The inbetween parts is often where we lose faith and see cracks in our life. Such as saying goodbye when friends move. When you move. Change. Always swirling and surrounding us. But if we are to count ourselves truly blessed, change must be what happens IN us.